Archive for May, 2014

May 23, 2014

Where have I been?

Golly Wally – how come you don’t write? that’s as far as I get and then the block, blocks me…Reflecting on the last year, oldest to newest;

My grandfather passed away, my mother cried. My grandmother fell, her house was sold, nearly out from under her and I recognized for the 1st time that life and all our accomplishments are fleeting.

My mother divorced, again. My father & siblings made me cry tears of shame & pain on my birthday.

My husband broke every promise he made to me and within a year of marrying, we divorced.

My grandson moved in and moved out. My granddaughter was born. She’s never met her father… he was away, in prison… I surrender to confusion and denial.

My 2nd born – devastated me – who is this man, not the man I raised, not living like this, not doing these things, not with these people… my heart is breaking in a foreign way… and then, he was arrested, found sobriety again, remembered he is a child of God, a disciple of the Lord and now he encourages me with biblical truth – he’s not mine, I am only blessed to know him and have memories of how it all began.

the Father of my two youngest is now experiencing what it is to be 40 – with grown children and regrets – he’s my friend and we are talking each other through this stage of our lives – we sigh together at the truth that our babies are no long our babies; 17 and 18, these men we raised are our children, but no longer ours – they are their own men. We hold our breath as they stand on the edge of the nest confidently,

I walked silently away from my friends to bury my head in the sand – when I pulled my head out (ha) there they were… and for the 1st time in my life I understand what “friend” means, and how blessed I am to have so many.

The house stands, the bills are paid, the job is secure and my faith is strong… my choices, not always healthy, but rarely regrettable.

I have been lost in a maze of confusion and chaos, however… Here I am. Well within my soul.

Praise God!