Absent

 It all started before the sun came up. I was absent during satisfying sleep. I was off somewhere tossing and turning, my    mind running amuck with thoughts and emotions manifested into strange mental pictures. I was supposed to be curled up cozy, still in slumber, rejuvenated and refreshed in the deepest relaxation. Instead I was absent. Then… I was absent when the alarm went off. I was lost in the land of confusion. Not asleep, but certainly not awake… the strange mental pictures were taunting me – what was really happening and what was I imagining? While trying to make decisions about the circumstances I was facing – like a time traveler, the scene I was in would suddenly change. Who are all these people, why am I running, where am I going? Then… I was awake – fully awake… but had been absent from my entire morning. Absent from the 8 am news broadcast, absent from the coffee preparation, absent from the garden watering, absent from the shower and make-up routine. I was absent from the entire morning at work.

After arriving at the office at noon, sitting down to my desk and logging in… I realized I was absent. There was a body in the office, at the desk, in the chair… she was reading and responding to emails, she was conversing with colleagues, she was at the water cooler and on the phone with IT – but I, that is, the missing in the trinity of me, myself and…  was absent. I am away, in the middle of a break-up. I am having a one on one meeting with myself about the pros and cons of the decision to abruptly end the 2 year project. I am off wiping away tears. I am looking deep into the past, focused on searching and researching the pleasures and pains. I am lost in longing.

I am absent from the lunch hour. I am off discussing my weight with myself. Craving and Temptation are arguing their respective cases, trying to form an alliance with my stomach in an effort to overthrow my will power. I am the moderator between team “you look great” and team “I feel like crap”.  I am debating my own logic. Just because it can’t be chocolate does that have to mean it can’t be anything at all?  I’m trapped in this meeting and can’t get away to grab a bite. As such, I am absent from energy today.

I am absent from all responsibilities today. I am aware of the list of to-do’s on my calendar, but I haven’t been able to locate the motivation to get busy or the desire to give a damn. I’m off writing about what’s burdening me. I’m somewhere avoiding an attitude adjustment. I’m off trying to re-code my reality. I’m busy reviewing my heartache and self-pity policies.

Faith has approached me today more times than I can count and asked for a moment of my time. I know Faith well and know that if I would show up briefly, lend a quick ear…. I would be given a precise agenda detailing how to be present for the remainder of the day… but I keep pushing that meeting back.  Best thing about Faith is that it is patient and will wait and be willing just as soon as I am!

I don’t want to be present today. I am not absent by circumstance, I am playing hookie by choice. Bad dreams, bitter break ups and negative body image and are bullies. Each encourages the other and then they all gang up on me at once – Like a true coward, a victim of a victim mentality – I have taken it all very personal and opted to fly away.

I am entirely absent today.          

 

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