… A few things figured out

1st – I hate being single. I knew this long before today… but today the fact that I am is REALLY bothering me.

Being single means 1 of 2 things to me today…. 1, that I am in constant solitary confinement of the heart; and 2, that I have to endure “dating” in order to get myself out of this predicament. I am not pleased with either option.

I know some people like flying solo… a little independence and a lot of freedom. All good – except the trade is, no safe hand to hold; No sympathetic ear; No warm embrace; No inside jokes; No reliable dinner company; No one to greet the dawn with and no one to bid the sunset farewell with…. I HATE BEING SINGLE!

2nd – I figured out that there’s value to being “stingy”. If you share too much… you might accidentally give away something that was precious to you. The truth about who I am and why I do what I do… precious to me. I’ve shared so much of myself with others that I feel a little empty today… how do I get back my privacy, my dignity, my secrets and the little bits of my heart that I’ve given away?

3rd – I now know that life is NOT what I make of it… rather – I am what life has made me. Life is making me weak, fragile, suspicious, anxious, irritated. I can feign strength and trust and order, but what’s true is that I feel like I’m the butt of life’s joke. I’m not laughing and I don’t find it the least bit amusing. Choice and Circumstance have led me to a state of discontentment today.

Maybe I just need a nap!

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